[amdavadis4ever] It's not what you say, it's how you say it

 

It's not what you say, it's how you say it Pooja Bedi         I want you to try this experiment with three simple words, `I love you'!!! (it's most effective in front of a mirror). First say them disinterestedly . Now say them shyly.Then exasperatedly . Try saying it in a dismissive manner.Now do them fast as if you're in a hurry to get them over with. Now finally... take a deep breath. Focus... And say the words slowly , in a deep, heartfelt, meaningful manner.Now imagine that you are the recipient of all of them. The same three words can produce such different emotions within yourself and others, simply based on how you deliver them. So it's never what you say , it's always how you say it that makes all the difference.So many couples who come to me for counselling tell me that they do say encouraging things, express gratitude and speak loving words to their partners but that it's never reciprocated. On the other hand, their partner says it's never felt, hence, never meant and never meant so never felt! It's often said that actions speak louder than words, but truly emotions speak the loudest. Words carry with them, emotions. Actions carry with them, emotions. The emotions are the `how' of the process.`How' you say it, and `how' you express it. Logically , emotions are intangible so we tend to argue our case based on tangi ble things like our words and actions, however, as in the case illustrated above, it's the intangible that wields the greatest power. So as much as you may say , `I am saying and doing all the right things, but it's not appreciated', perhaps you need to take a look at `how' you are saying and doing those very things. I am a 30-year-old single mother and recently I've met someone who I find interesting. However, sometimes I feel that he can't accept my child. I've tried talking to him but he says otherwise.Please help.   Adjustments are normal and he naturally won't have the same degree of commitment as you do to your child. What matters and is most important are his intentions which he has been clear about. What you can do is point out nicely the moments where you feel he could have been more sensitive or caring. Fatherhood is new to him. Also, don't just take his caring for granted, make it known how much you appreciate the little things he does as it will encourage him to do more.   I'm 24 and working for a company. I have a married friend. She came to know that her husband was cheating on her. She was heartbroken and wanted to separate from her husband. I supported her whole-heartedly. however, for some reason she continued to stay with her husband. The twist is recently, she confessed to me that she has gotten into a sexual relationship with her married boss and is cheating on her husband. She justifies her relationship by saying that she deserves to be happy.The whole situation has become too much for me to handle and is affecting my friendship with her as I told her to keep off her boss as I feel he is just using her. I am very depressed and am affected immensely...   A true friend will always tell you when they feel you are doing something wrong, but true friendship is also free of judgement. It may sound contradictory , but what it means is that you should express that from your perspective, her actions will only cause her more harm than good, and hurt more than heal.That doesn't mean you love her less or judge her for it.Remember, this is about her, not you. Making yourself the sufferer in someone else's suffering is actually the most selfish thing you could do. Be her support, not your own adversary.   My best friend and I are very close, however lately, she has started hiding things from me as she has been advised by someone to do so, in order to achieve success.When I came to know about it, I also did the same, but she snapped back asking why I didn't tell her about such a big news. I don't understand what to do.   There's no need to do a tit for tat over someone's absurd superstitions. It's childish and solves nothing. If you want to do it to express how you feel, do it laughingly to drive the point home. Tell her that whether success comes her way or not, you will always be her greatest well-wisher.

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Posted by: Bhupendra Jesrani <jesranibd@yahoo.co.in>

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