SRI LANKANS: TO HEAVEN OR HELL?
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said: 'Lord I have to talk to you. We have some Sri Lankans up here in heaven and they are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my trumpet is missing - they seem to think its a conch shell which they can blow ceremonially, the women are wearing colourful handloom saris instead of their white robes, the men are driving around in Pajeros and BMW's instead of the chariots, the children are playing cricket in the clouds and causing thunder and they're selling their halos to Sri Lankan jewellers for a fee. These jewellers are embedding them with Sri Lankan precious and semi-precious gemstones and selling them for huge profits. They have different categories - silver, silver filigree, 9-carat gold, 18-carat, 22-carat gold, sovereign gold, platinum, with stones, plain, embossed, engraved with initials... This is Heaven, Lord. It's simply not done! They refuse to keep the Stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep squatting down midway eating malu-paan (fish buns) or kimbula-bunis (crocodile buns) and drinking kahata (plain tea) or kiri-te (milk tea) and resting. Other Sri Lankans have set up booths along the way to provide these refreshments. The higher you go, the more expensive it becomes. And people are turning away from Angel Cake. They say the Stairway to Heaven is like the trek up Sri Pada (Adam's Peak), and they have to observe these customs. Some of them are even walking around flapping just one wing, like a fan, to be cool! The excuse they make is that there is tropical heat in their body systems and they need fans, even in Heaven, to keep cool.'The Lord said, 'Sri Lankans are Sri Lankans. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, give Satan a call". Angel Gabriel was shocked at what God said. If the "GOOD Sri Lankans" were creating such problems for him, what would Satan have on his hands. He called Satan. Surely these Sri Lankan people he had in Heaven, should be sent down below.Satan answered the phone, 'Hello? Is that you Gabriel? Damn, hold on a minute.' A couple of minutes later Satan returned to the phone, 'OK I'm back. What can I do for you?'Gabriel asked, 'I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there".Again Satan says, 'Hold on. Oooops. I need to check on something.' After about 5 minutes Satan returns to the phone and says, 'I'm back. Now what was the question?'Gabriel says patiently, 'What kind of problems are you having down there, Satan?'Satan says, 'Man, I don' t believe this ..ooh oh oh ... Hold on.'This time Satan is gone at least 15 minutes. He returns and says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now..I've got major problems'"I've got some Sri Lankans down here. They are are trying to install air conditioning and making hell a comfortable place to live in by putting out the fire...fire is there to keep them uncomfortably hot!! But there are a lot of technical people who have been installing air conditioning in the Middle East as migrant workers - and they are GOOD! I don't know how they've done it but its cooler already.Some Sri Lankans, who have migrated to places like Australia, are using the Hell fires for barbeques and grilling prawns and fish, and making themselves at home. Others, as soon as they arrive, take a pot with rice and coconut milk and boil it on one of Hell's open fires, to signify they've arrived at a new home! Most people are fearful, but these Sri Lankans - wow, they watch the pot bubbling over and the fire hissing - and they start clapping, saying its a good omen.Since they are an intelligent lot and tech savvy, they are now trying to start a telephone and IT connection between heaven and hell between ME and GOD!! They are also trying to contact their relatives in Heaven, to get them to bail them out. Everybody is an "Aunty" or "Uncle" or "Machchan" (brother-in-law), or Sister or brother, even though they are not really related. Their relationships are totally scrambled. Most of them have spare mobiles hidden to call "family", and when I burn up the Samsungs and make them explode, they've got another like an old Nokia or Apple that they pull out. I am having such a hard time controlling and dealing with them!!' "Once they've settled, some use hell's fires to steam string-hoppers and make pittu and watalappan and they then have community lunches and dinners, drinking fiery tipples called arrack or kassipu - with ingredients that totally baffle me. The more genteel make wines from everything under the sun - there's beetroot wine, carrot wine, king coconut wine, strawberry wine - and they don't drink milk - they turn it into milk wine! And people think wine is made from grapes - not these Sri Lankans!! I must say, their food smells heavenly - and tastes very good, even if it is fiery hot... even for me. And they use MY name on things like snacks, to which they've added chillie - devilled potato or cassava chips, devilled cadjunuts, devilled pork curry, devilled peanuts, devilled chickpeas!! No regard at all for the fact that I am the devil and have that trademark. Other Sri Lankans use the red hot coals to practice fire dancing and fire walking which they say are culturally acceptable practices. A few of them have made torches and are parading about asking where are the elephants for a religious perahera (parade), which I had to stop...some others are somersaulting through hoops of fire. And Boy! are they good at it! Others are taking the lesser-demons whips which are used as punishments - and are practising whip cracking. They say it's for the perahera (parade). Some of them have brought their devil's masks from a town on Sri Lanka's south-western coast, which are far more fearful than those of the lesser-demons that help me in Hell, while there are others who are turning out a whole new set of masks from the wood in the fires of hell. It's superb craftsmanship - and I now don't know who my devils are, and who are simply bad Sri Lankans with a mask. Besides I'm running out of wood, to keep Hell's fires alive and everyone seems to want a Sri Lankan mask!! They've turned Hell into this cool place, where everybody is family, where there is constant feasting and dancing and entertainment. And they love it down here and fit right in. I've never seen anything like it...I just don't know what to do. And the worst is that they have no respect for me as the Ruler of Hell. To them I'm like any other Sri Lankan politician, a buffoon and a crazy ... they don't take any notice of me and still worse, snigger behind my back. My ego is totally shot!!
They know all about elections, universal franchise and the will of the people - and are threatening to hold elections and vote me out of Hell!! I have heard mutterings of "no second or third terms, it's dictatorship, and we need to change the man at the top". I'm becoming sooo afraid. Where will I go ...
I am requesting you, nay praying, OH LORD PLEASE don't send any more Sri Lankans here to Hell. Gabriel, please tell the Lord above, to save me and save Hell"
Gabriel told God what he had heard from Satan and God smiled...Well, it was he who had made "Sri Lankans", and set them upon the earth to cause chaos. He had also made them as intelligent beings with a huge sense of humour. He also had a sense of the ironic. He knew Sri Lankans loved life ... and that's why they behaved this way. But He had a dilemma.
If He took them to Heaven, Gabriel had a problem. If He sent them to Hell, Satan had a problem....
So...
So....what did He do?
So...what was it?
So...
So...
As soon as they died, He sent them back to earth...to live again.
And this is the story why Sri Lankans are the only ones who have several lives and believe in Rebirth...a whole 82% of the population - maybe more!!
Just live your life happily and well - and it doesn't matter where you go after you die. If you are Sri Lankan, you just might end up right back on Earth. And you will have that sense of humour to keep you going, no matter where you are...
Keep on Smiling!!!!!!!
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Posted by: Murli dhar Gupta <mdguptabpl@gmail.com>
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