Monday, 31 October 2016

[World Malayali Club] *A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN* (Absolutely hilarious !!)

 



*A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN*

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In the light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Theresa May, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded -- a questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.


To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware of a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups and saucers, and never mugs, with high-quality biscuits (not cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.


*God Save the Queen"

 





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Posted by: "G.Balasubramanian" <gbsub1@gmail.com>
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[World Malayali Club] Reflections: A PRAYER FOR 60+

 


Almighty God you know that I am growing older.

Keep me from becoming too talkative, from repeating all my jokes and anecdotes,
and particularly keep me from falling into the tiresome habit of expressing an opinion on every subject.
 
Release me from craving to straighten out everyone's affairs. Keep my mind free from recital of endless details.
Give me wings to get to the point.

Give me the grace, dear GOD, to listen to others as they describe their aches and pains.
Help me endure the boredom with patience and keep my lips sealed,
for my own aches and pains are increasing in number and intensity,
and the pleasure of discussing them is becoming sweeter as the years go by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally, I might be mistaken. Keep me reasonably sweet.
I do not wish to be a saint (Saints are so hard to live with), but a sour old person is the work of the devil.

Make me thoughtful, but not moody, helpful, but not pushy, independent,
yet able to accept with graciousness favors that others wish to bestow on me.

Free me of the notion that simply because I have lived a long time,
I am wiser than those who have not lived so long. I am older, but not necessarily wiser!

If I do not approve of some of the changes that have taken place in recent years,
give me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut.

GOD knows that when the end comes,
I would like to have a friend or two left.



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~: Rock :~ FLOATING MARKET _ THAILAND + VIDEO

 
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[amdavadis4ever] How to avoid anxiety!

 


How to avoid anxiety!

Brain works best when it is relaxed.   Feeling relaxed is essential for your overall wellbeing. Without having the ability to relax we cannot deal with intense situations.  Being cool under fire increases the likelihood of you having success.  With a relaxed mind energy is expended.

Anxiety is a vicious circle of thoughts, sensations and behaviours. The origin of an anxious mood lies in your thoughts. These thoughts lead to reactions in the body, causing physical sensations and affecting your behavior. An anxious person tends to think more distressed thoughts, having a vicious circle.

To beat anxiety we need to take a holistic approach that corrects the mind and body. When it comes to arresting the physical symptoms of anxiety, you should consider the following: Essentially you're trying to stop anxiety symptoms by calming mechanisms. Breathing and relaxation are two simple and effective methods.

When you are in an anxious mood, you are likely to be breathing too quickly. This upsets the balance of oxygen and carbon dioxide in your blood, leading to unpleasant symptoms of anxiety and panic. Slow down your breathing and aim to breathe 10-12 times per minute. Pause between breaths and time yourself.

Prevention is better than the cure, so avoid behaviours, and situations that contribute towards anxiety. If your anxiety is tied to particular situations (such as giving presentations), the only way you can learn to deal with these is to face them. Build up to the situation by imagining it. If you notice yourself feeling anxious, pause and do some breathing exercises and physical relaxation. Unfold the scenario and imagine yourself coping with the fear and getting through successfully.

You may also be surprised to hear that eating the right foods can boost your mental health. This should not be surprising because, after all, we are what we eat. Eat regular meals, including breakfast (even if it's only a banana), to keep blood sugar levels steady.

Destress your body by giving it what it needs, maintain a balance of work, rest and play. Build 20-30 minutes of exercise into your daily routine. You will notice that even a little physical activity will help you sleep a whole lot better.

Now what about the mental aspects? How can we develop a relaxed state of mind? Begin by thinking of a time when you felt completely focused and relaxed in an activity. Think about the thoughts, feelings and emotions that you experienced.  Recreate the experience in your head until you can specifically pinpoint each individual emotion and thought that you had.

The more practice it is going to be to activate them in the next real situation that demands mental relaxation.

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~: Rock :~ ZAGREB _ CROATIA + VIDEO

 

Zagreb is the capital and the largest city of the Republic of Croatia.


































































https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X8IvMhXOxe4


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